Today, nothing

Today, nothing.

These past days, everything has been filled, complete, no negative spaces, no shades of nothingness.
None of us have been getting too much sleep, but that actually means so little. We took off for another day.

In the streets, people went on with their businesses, unaware I shared my every systole with you. Some carry the weight of the world upon their shoulders.

I sometimes feel it’s the weeks I feed the most this fucked up heart so I can later hurt it all out again. You’re not suppose to understand. I walk. I look around and spectate, then to realize I’m fighting being a pawn piece in my mind’s game. I feel distant from my seeings and inside the game goes on. While he was taking the garbage out, none of you noticed him. His heavy walk, his tiredness, his wait for the end of his shift. You kept on talking.

You were standing beneath me.  I watched you while you spoke and despite being there, I was miles away, trying to dissociate myself from my mental ramblings. Everything was so nearly complete.  You and I and then an extra variable.

I took a deep breath, trying to keep me gripped, holding on to the used mask upon my facial muscles. Your eyes can’t hide. But I do try. I pretended for a while my chest wasn’t heavy. The city was fucking busy.

Still there’s always someone who gets my attention.

While you were all checking the sightseeing bus tables I saw a blind man and a bride.

Everybody on the bus was looking up but I kept looking down.

Then I look at you and I felt that hit again. There was a stone inside. everything went silent. You looked at me as if you were telling me I love you. Silently.  And watched you for a while as I often do.

My heart shrunk a bit. You bring so much beauty into this fucking ugliness. Death is my strongest certainty.

We play and smile and I stand still. I close my fists as f they control what’s inside me and you notice me biting my lip.

Mara took our picture.

We’re made of our own memories.

It comes back to me in flashes.
Yesterday and the days before, everything. Your laughter and your presence still lingers, echoing trough this empty place.

I still hear your voices.
I can smell your scent.

How happy you were.

Your beautiful silliness.

The beauty you bring me.

The confirmation of my true and one belief, my ultimate premise that you don’t divide love, you multiply it.

Love isn’t corny, hip-hop is.

But today, silences.